Keepin' it real

Believe it or not, most of the time I am quite aware of how blessed I am. But then every once in a while, I get a visit from the big ugly green monster, and suddenly I'm like a toddler throwing a fit on the floor, (figuratively... most of the time.)

"Why me?!" (sobb sobb)
"Why wasn't I smarter when I was younger and finished my college ed?"
"Why do I always have to struggle with my relationships, money, career etc?"
"Why is my car always breaking down?"

The why's never did anybody any good. Self-pity is for the weak. I know all of this, but the ugly green monster that is my evil alter ego does not seem to get it. And in an attempt to distract myself from thinking in such negative, nonproductive ways, I turn off my feelings and go on auto-pilot. I am for all intents and purposes, useless. I'm as alive as a robot, programmed to follow a course of steps throughout each day. Eat, clean, feed, clean, fold, change, shop, clean, sleep. Do it again. At least the self-loathing is on hold...for a while.

Then, I get a wake up call.

Lately, my wake-up call has come in the form of the experiences of others. (see my readers list. Pics and Kicks. and Stakerz xposed) and I am deeply ashamed at how ungrateful I've been. I am aware, once again that I have lost focus. I forgot what is important, what is real.

I need to center, or find my chi, or whatever the buddhists call it. I need to do some serious self-exploration before my life gets so far off track that I can't even find the track.

Motherhood comes with occupational hazards. Losing yourself is one of the biggest. Somewhere between caring for the ones I love, I have forgotten to love myself. Perhaps I never learned.

This is me announcing my change. The answers are in me. I'll find them.