There are those days when I find it hard to hear myself above the incessant monologue of doubt playing over and over in my head like a broken record. These last few days have been those broken record kind of days.
The semester is winding down and the teachers are getting much more demanding. Its suddenly time to prove myself with final papers and tests and quizzes and projects! It just seems so sinister. Its not enough that I've shown up to every class, or scored high on my quizzes, no, I have to prove I "get it" through a twenty page report that is to include an evaluation of the teacher and what she could do to make the course better! That just feels like a trap to me. There is no right way to write this paper.
And of course, finals week has to coincide with two of my four children's birthdays. Of course it does! And of course my daughter has to have a big party with over a dozen prepubescent tweens and an eighties themed dance because after all she's turning twelve and that's what you do when you're turning twelve. And of course my seven year old son decides that now, during finals time, is the right time to throw some massive fits and basically act out his own rendition of The Exorcist! Of course! Because anything less than catastrophic would be making things much too easy on me.
I have this amazing ability to find the most impossible of roads to travel and then travel them. Its like I find these roads that no one even knew existed because its hidden in the thicket, not traveled since ancient times because everyone has figured out that its just a ridiculous way in which to go, but I just have to take it, because I'm April and that's what I do! I travel the road of sure defeat. Dead man's cove. Of course this road I'm referring to is metaphoric. I'm not saying that I'm now an off-road motor cross biker or anything, just an off-road life biker. Instead of just accepting my place in the world, I have to make myself into something better or die trying.
The goal is to attain a college degree in order to make a better life for myself and the kids. The kids dream of a house with a yard to play in. I dream of a house with a yard I can throw the kids out to. And a laundry room with a washer and dryer I don't have to feed quarters to. I dream of a job I enjoy, where I feel I make a real difference. It all sounds simple enough, until you get to the nitty gritty, the details like babysitting and bills. I couldn't possibly keep up with school and a job, but I can't keep up the bills without a job. Its a tough spot to be in and days like these I question my goal. Is it impossible? Is in unrealistic? Do I need to accept my place as an uneducated woman in a less than ideal career? These are just some of the thoughts that race through my brain on the worst of these broken record days.
