Be careful of your actions, because there are some mistakes that your friends will not let you live down. These are the mistakes that have such great comedic value that they become conversation pieces at every afternoon tea or weekend BBQ. I call these mistakes the super stupids. My greatest super stupid was a neo-hippie I dated for about eight weeks last spring. We're going to call him, Samuel. I'm pretty sure "Samuel" won't be running into this blog anytime soon. Last I heard he was off living in a shack in the canyon, but we'll protect his identity anyway.
Things started out quite normal with Samuel. We met when both my dog and my three year old got away from me in the condo complex I was living at the time. The dog ran to where Samuel was sitting on the lawn, ferociously barking at the poor guy. Once I tamed my fearsome chiuaua, and reined in the little boy, we struck up a little conversation. He seemed sort of chill and wise. He spoke a lot about energy balance and opening the chakras. He was interested in how our emotions affect our health and how so many of our suffering as humans is unnecessary. All of which are things I've enjoyed studying from time to time. I thought he was intriguing. I soon learned that there is a very fine line between intriguing and flat out crazy!
Samuel invited me to go hiking with him the following week and I'm always down for a good hike!.He was kind of witty and I enjoyed our hiking conversation, but I found it a little strange when he held his hand about an inch from a wild flower blossom to "feel its energy." He reported that it had an intensity about it he believed to be a sign it was about to bloom. I was thinking, duh, its like the middle of March, everything is about to bloom, some amazing intuition there.Red flag #1!
I pride myself on my open mindedness when it comes to new types of people and ideas so I decided to give him another chance. I soon learned that while open mindedness is an honorable trait, it too has its limits. The more we hung out the more I wondered why it was he never wore anything other than karate pants. I asked him and he said that they were just really comfortable and he felt more centered in them. Okay, whatever floats you know? The karate pants became annoying when, in mid-conversation he'd suddenly jump up and start performing various martial arts moves. It didn't matter where we were, he'd strike a pose anywhere. My living room, outside at the park, or while dining at an indian restraunt. There was no place off limits. Red flag #2!
The night before Easter Sunday, Samuel called me up to invite me and my kids to brunch with him and his mom the next morning. I really shouldn't have accepted the invitation, I know. I did find it a bit much since we'd only known each other like two weeks. When I brought that up, Samuel assured me it was nothing more than a nice gesture, no strings attached. He wanted the kids and I to have a nice Easter even though he didn't believe in celebrating holidays. How nice right? Nice until his mom started talking about how much she would enjoy a daughter-in-law she could really get along with. Was this a trap? My future flashed before my eyes and it wasn't pretty. Red flag #3!
I'm a little embarrassed that I was given three very profound flags and yet I still continued seeing this guy. It was like watching a Woody Allen movie, sure they're weird, but you get curious to see what will happen next. And hey, it's given me some pretty good writing material, not to mention many good hours of laughter recounting the experiences with my girl friends! Okay, those are some pretty weak justifications. Lets just move on to the next flag.
I was beginning to feel a little suffocated by Samuel. It seemed he was always at my house. Sure he lived only a few houses down from mine, but I lived with my husband for eight years and I think I saw less of him in those years than I was seeing of Samuel. He didn't really have a normal job and his explanations on how he made his living were unclear. He did have a rather curious interest in bottney. The most concerning thing about Samuel however, was his tendency to pop up unexpectedly in places I happened to be. I never had so many coincidental meetings with anyone. I would be at Walmart shopping for the household staples and there he was, just picking up a box of pens. Imagine that. He seemed to have a sixth sense about when I'd be returning home from the gym every Wednesday morning too. I barely had time to hang my keys on the hook before he was knocking. He said he believed we were connected in some spiritual sense, that he could feel my energy from miles away and was inexplicably drawn to it. He even thought that I may be a witch and have cast some sort of love spell on him. Red flag #4!
By this point I was long aware of his insanity but was a little afraid of what he might do when I "broke up"with him. I put "broke up" in quotes because it had been much too little time since we met to think we were a couple at all but of course Samuel saw things differently. I decided I could wait it out a couple more weeks since that would be the time I was moving. Distance would make things much easier. I did start hinting to him that I was ready to move on. I spoke a lot about how I'd be starting school soon and wouldn't really have enough time or energy to put into a relationship. He deserved better than the scraps of time I could toss his way. None of these were really sinking in. So I threw him a stinger. "I have a wandering way. I can never stay with one person very long at all. I just enjoy the chase too much." God, I felt like a guy, a really jerky guy, saying that, (and its not in the least bit true). The last two weeks were the most bazar.
When Samuel showed up day after day wearing no shoes I began to wonder if he had eaten them or burned them in some magical ceremony. At this point, nothing could surprise me. "Spring is in full force now. Its the season of bare feet. To truly feel connected to mother earth one must tread upon her back with naked feet so that her healing vibrations can enter the body". Does mother earth get a say in this? Perhaps she's like all the other females on this planet and would really rather not have any part of your naked body treading anywhere on hers. Didn't matter where we went, Samuel faithfully went with bare feet. Red flag #5.
Okay, way too many flags piling up here. I had to make a clean break. Just a few days before the big move I gave Samuel the proverbial boot. " I just feel that our energies are disconnecting. We're on different paths now and to fight against it would be unnatural. Who are we to argue with the universe?" I thought it was pretty clever. It worked too...for the most part. Samuel insisted that as a final gesture of peace and love he would help me move. Hey, who am I too argue with universal gestures of peace and love? It would be unnatural. Samuel was a huge help. He showed up with the largest size of moving van available and loaded up the house, with little help from any one else. And he did it entirely bare footed. I'm not kidding! You have to give the guy props for that!
Samuel and I finally parted and on fairly good terms. Although I did have to reinforce the break up several times, once with the threat of a restraining order. But in the end he wished me well, offering these final words, "May love and peace be with you always, my love. Goodbye." And goodbye my super stupid!
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