I'm back, sort of. At least I'm writing again and that feels good, it feels soul cleansing.
The past few weeks have brought a lot of changes for me personally, all of which I cannot yet bring myself to express openly. I will say that I am on a journey of self discovery. My journey seems to parallel the one taken in Eat,Pray, Love, though not nearly as exotic. I wish I could run away to Italy as that woman did. I wish I could eat foreign foods and stay in quaint villages and pray in Indian temples while I figure out who I am or what I want from my life. But as it is, my life does not afford those kinds of luxuries. As most normal people, I must stay and face my realities. I must go on from day to day, working and caring for my children and find the time some where in between to do a little soul searching. I do occasionally make spaghetti with meat balls, I suppose that could count as exotic foreign foods. And I have my blog This blog is my soul searching, my meditation. Thank you for allowing me this little luxury.
I would call this thing I am going through a midlife crisis, but I'm only thirty two so I guess that doesn't exactly fit. All I know is that my life has become extremely unfulfilling. Marriage and family is all I ever thought I would want, and don't get me wrong, those things have brought me a lot of happiness over the last few years. But I guess I want something more for myself, something more on a personal level. I want to be a better version of myself and in turn be able to be a better version of mother and perhaps again some day a wife. For now I need the time alone to get myself right again.
Nate and I are taking a break. Hurt has marred our relationship, and the pain has forged a canyon between us that neither of us is ready to bridge. I'm not sure that we will ever again find our way back to each other, only time can tell. I am thankful that we have been able to remain friends and parents for our children. Without that, this separation would be even more devastating for us as well as for the family.
So I'm back. And I am eating and praying and loving and I'm hoping that all of it will bring me back to some peace, some understanding of myself.
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