Can I be honest? Really honest? Can I write on this blog that has been thus far dedicated to my random thoughts and experiences with life, a more solemn and serious topic? And can I do it without harsh judgement from those who read it? I'm not sure I can, but I think I'd like to try it out and let the chips fall where they may.
I haven't written in a while and not because I have nothing of importance happening in my life to write about, its quite the contrary actually. I have nothing but importance and important things hanging by a very thin line right now and I didn't think it was something I could talk about. (And I know its not something I have the ability to make light of or joke about). I've had strong emotions, hurt, and chaos that have and still are cluttering my mind. I am at that defining point of my life where every day I question who I am and who I am becoming, and the answers never come.
One thing I know for sure, I am a writer. I may not be a pulitzer prize winning author, or an educated writer, or even a very good writer, but I am a writer because I NEED to be. I need to express myself on paper. I need to share my deepest emotions with anyone who cares to read it and I do it without shame or reserve.
I know I love my children and I hope I can do what is right for them. I worry every day that I am going to do something that will scar their perfect little souls beyond repair, but I never give up trying. And I hope they can see that I love them and want the best for them, but that I am not a perfect person and hope they can forgive me for these shortcomings.
I know that I love my husband. I know that for reasons beyond my grasp, he loves me too. But I feel inadequate to be what all these people who love me and need me to be. I am a broken soul. I am a porcelain figure in a glass menagerie, on the edge of my own destruction. I am a grown woman with child-like hurt and have nothing but hurt to offer to anyone around me.
God help me. Help me before it is all too late for me and for those I love.
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Ms. April, did you say what it is you are wanting so desperately to say? Out loud isn't as scary as it seems. It just takes practise.
ReplyDeleteYou are beautiful. You are a wonderful writer. As we each learn to love ourselves, our love will radiate to others. You are loved and I pray that you will learn to know that you do deserve it.
ReplyDeleteI am worried about you. I hope you know people are cheering you on in life....wanting to watch you succeed! :)
ReplyDeleteI have to tell you what an awesome writer you are. You should blog more often! ;)
Oh, and super cute family pics!! You are an adorable bunch.