How to tell your husband about your speeding ticket. (and stay out of hot water)

Alright, I admit that I quite purposefully put off telling my husband, Nate, about the speeding ticket. Its not that I was so much afraid of his wrath, (I can handle his little growl), so much as I just didn't want to deal with his gloating. You see, Nate is hopelessly proud of the fact that in his thirty-two years of life (16 years of driving) he has yet to get a traffic ticket and he'll use any opportunity he can to compare my driving record to his spotless one. For example, if I am riding with him and tell him to slow down or remind him that there is a stop sign ahead, he will very piously remind me that he does not need driving lessons from the woman who has managed to total five cars in a matter of ten years.

So I stashed my ticket in the bottom of my purse along with all the other forgotten hand-outs and half-pieces of gum and waited for just the right opportunity to whip it out. What would you know, the right opportunity presented itself the very next night when Nate, upset over some other trivial matter, overreacted, yelled at me, and an hour later felt like a total douche bag. Perfect speeding ticket confession moment!

 I think the logic behind this is fairly obvious. The husband has already had a major tantrum, and adequate time to calm down. His demeanor is now repentant. He apologizes profusely for his behavior. I, in turn do not accept his apology too quickly, but let the guilt brew for a bit. (I may have let him order dinner in so he feels a little retribution in letting me off the cooking hook). I avoid eye contact and  do not allow physical contact at this early stage. Everything has to be perfectly timed or the entire scheme will blow up in my face. Just when it seems my poor husband is on the verge of lashing himself with a whip, I grab my ticket, shove it at him and tearfully say,

 "I guess since I'm already a huge screw up in your book, now is as good a time as any to tell you I got a ticket today!"

There it is. The look of great restraint. The forced smile, put on to ensure me that his repentance is real. He cannot yell, he cannot even look upset, or I'll know that his temper is still not in check. It takes every muscle in his body to control what I know he wants to say at that moment. Mine, is a look of cautious defiance. An expression I've mastered over the eight years we've been married. Its the look that says, 'come on sweetie, I dare you to get angry right now'. It worked. I never once had to endure even the slightest of teases about my ticket. It may sound mean, but its just survival. Plus, he got the perfect opportunity to redeem himself. Good boy Nate.

Feel free, wives, to use this scheme at any time with your husbands. But be careful, remember that timing is everything. Its as delicate a script as a Neil Simon piece, move to the confession too quickly and you're sunk, move too slowly, and you're in for another lecture. Play at your own risk.