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Tiffany's promiscuity aside, this line really spoke to me. It is how I feel about myself a lot of the time. I will do things or say things that others would not do for whatever reason. I like to think that messy part of them lives somewhere deep inside them hiding behind a mask of conservation and fear of judgement. But maybe I like to think this only because I hope I'm not the only one who thinks or feels the way I do. For example, and this is one of the more innocent and fun-loving side of myself, Ashton and I had a hula hoop contest in the middle of the toy aisle at Walmart the other night. It was fun and spontaneous and gave us both a surge of excitement just knowing that we were sort of "breaking the rules" of convention that are really nothing more than a social invention. (Rhyme was unintentional but a happy accident all the same so I'll leave it). But other times, my dramatic flare will conflict with social norm just enough to make me seem incompetent or unstable. I am misunderstood. I know exactly what behavior is expected of me in public, I just often refuse to abide by the rules. It is with mixed emotions that I say, I see some of this in my son, Matthew.
Today I broke down in tears, raised my voice a little and generally displayed my irritation with the school system in a meeting with Matthew's teacher, Principal, my ex-husband, and committee of professionals all working to pinpoint Matthew's difficulties in school. I had been worried over this meeting for so many reasons, least of all being my reluctance to accept that my son may struggle learning. But also because I am frustrated with the United States school system that I feel to be outdated, pushes kids too hard, discourages their creativity and takes away any hope of them having a childhood Then when a child resits the conventional methods of education he is slapped with a "disability" label that follows him for the rest of his life.I would really like to believe that my reaction was the reaction many others have inwardly but hold back for fear of being rude.
I had so many mixed emotions about all of it. I was happy to hear that the psychologist recognizes his wild creativity, and his secret intelligence hidden under his apathy. All of the experts present stated that they believed Matthew's IQ scores are not an accurate reflection of his actual abilities but that doesn't change the fact that in the eyes of our system my son is declared "disabled". It does not change the fact that in order to get him a few minutes of tutoring each day to catch up on his math and language his father and I had to sign a paper saying we believe our child's brain does not process in a "normal" fashion and for reasons no one has a specific name for.
The term, "learning disabled" is a broad definition used to describe anything from dyslexia to retardation and brain damage. What if my son just inherited some of my "sloppiness" when it comes to perimeters of our school system, refusing to give up his unique identity by coloring inside the lines just because some ass hole decided that to teach kids we have to break their spirits? What if inside that little red head of his he is just questioning why the hell he is learning all these things? What if he just wants to know how all this shit applies to his life? What if it isn't that he can't define what a dog is, but that he doesn't understand why these teachers are asking him to define the obvious? I can almost visualize his mind thinking, " of course I know what a dog is, don't you?" Is questioning a sign of a disability or of greater intelligence? After all, as a child Einstein was diagnosed as mentally retarded.
I'm not really sure how all of my thoughts in this post apply to each other, my posts are often a string of scattered thoughts. It is that messy part of myself that I have to learn to embrace but at least I have thoughts, I question. Maybe my reaction to Matthew's proposed disability was a little extreme, maybe no other parent would express their irritation at the school system to the principal but burn with a desire to. Maybe I'm overly sensitive about labels like "disabled" and maybe I'm just frustrated that Matthew and I share a common stigma just because neither of us are willing to conform, to lie down and play by societal rules just for the sake of getting our little stamp of approval that deems us "normal", instead I wear the labels, "different", "strange", "dramatic", "socially awkward" and now Matthew gets his own neatly printed label, "learning disabled". It just doesn't set right with me.
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